T-shirt Robin Paradox: A Medieval Lesson in Success & Sin

Why are we here? To wear shirts. Why do we wear shirts? To cover the void where a soul should be, or perhaps just to avoid a chill. In the forest of existence—let us call it Sherwood, though names are merely sounds we make while waiting for the end—there are three types of men. They are all named Robin. This is the tragedy of identity. Observe this garment. It is a triptych of failure and fortune, rendered in the jagged, honest lines of a medieval woodcut. It tells a story that the history books, in their desperate need for heroes, often redact: Robin Good: He followed the rules. He gave his bread to the birds. The birds grew fat; Robin grew skeletal. He is poor. Goodness is a currency that no baker accepts. Robin Hood: He wears the mask of the pragmatist. He steals, but he feels slightly bad about it, so he gives a portion away. He lives a mediocre life in a damp cave. He is "not so bad," which is the most exhausting way to exist. Robin Never Was Good: He is the architect of the system. He understood that "Robin" is a verb, not a noun. He took the forest, the arrows, and the gold, and he kept them. He is rich. He is the only one who can afford a decent chair. Historically, the figure of Robin Hood has been sanitized. In the earliest 15th-century ballads, such as A Gest of Robyn Hode, he was a violent yeoman, not a dispossessed nobleman. He was a man who understood that the greenwood was not a place for charity, but for the accumulation of leverage. This shirt honors that dark, anthropological truth. Why you must possess this object: The Aesthetic: A high-contrast woodcut design that suggests you have read books with very small print. The Fabric: It is made of cotton. It is soft. It is far more comfortable than a chainmail shirt, which, despite its protective qualities, is terrible for moisture-wicking. The Message: It informs everyone at the coffee shop or the Renaissance Faire that you understand the fundamental link between morality and bankruptcy. The Cynicism: A perfect gift for the historian, the disgruntled economist, or the person who realizes that "stealing from the rich" is just a primitive form of wealth redistribution that lacked a proper tax filing system. Buy the shirt. It won’t make you good, but at least you won’t be cold while you contemplate your lack of virtue.